That's a good question

What kind of mother am I?  I thought I knew, I thought after almost 5 years of being a mother to my son and 3 year old daughter I had things under control. If you had asked me that question a few weeks ago, I would have said "Well I am not the perfect mother, but I think I am doing OK." I would have given this answer because in my eyes my kids were doing just fine. They were happy and seemed to be growing up just fine. I knew I had some things to work on myself as a parent, but I thought other than that my parenting skills were mostly effective.

That was what I thought until my partner performed a parenting intervention. Apparently, according to him and his support network around him, things were not going so well with our kids, and according to everyone else, I was a main factor. More specifically my son was displaying behavior that would according to the intervention cause him to eventually grow into an uncontrollable monster. At first I was in shock and I became defensive. I felt like I was being attacked. My first reaction was to be defensive and then I began to feel like a failure. And this feeling had to be valid since the one person in the world who is supporting me as a parent, my partner, is saying these things to me.

My world cam shattering down after this intervention. If you are a mother and reading this, then you know that it is hard enough to keep your head above water and stay confident about the job you are doing as a parent. Besides, kids do not come with an instruction manual, we all have to wing it and rely mostly on instinct and our own values in life.

And that was exactly what I was doing, relying on my own values. I thought by some kind of parenting osmosis my kids would learn the same values as I grew up with, and who knows maybe they will. But this question is what the journey I am about to embark on will help me answer. What Kind of mother am I?

Am I a bad mother? Am I good mother after all, even though others judge me different? Am I just an average mother? I have no idea at this point. All confidence that I ever had was erased away and I am starting from scratch. I don't know where this journey will take me, but I do know that no matter what I will be honest with myself. It is the least I can do for my kids and of course for myself.

So here I go on this long, hard journey. I know it will not be easy and maybe one of the most painful journey's of my life. Yet, along the way I will stay positive. No matter what answer I will find for my question, I will come out ahead. For me and my kids. And most importantly I am documenting my journey in this book not only for myself but also for other mothers. I am thousands of miles away from my support network, my culture and all that I know. Ok so here I go...What kind of mother am I?