Terrible Birthday Mother

November 11, 1973

Today I would categorize myself as a terrible mother. It began as soon as the sun came up, the crying and whining from two very tired children we are away for the weekend for my 39^th birthday and the kids are still tired from the day before. I was hoping by sleeping with them in the same room would prevent them from waking in the night and running into my room, thus keeping the no-sleep cycle going. No such luck.

So as we sat down for breakfast the tearing were rolling and I was already wishing the day would be over. These times I feel so powerless and my head begins to cloud over. Its like the synapsis don’t connect in my brain and I can not think clearly. Its like I am driving at high speeds on the highway and its pouring rain. I cant see where to go and I lose control of my sense of what to do. I don’t think I was ever like this befpre. When the kids were younger it was so much easier. All it took was aNo and a threat to sit in Time Out. But these times have changed, especially with my son. I just realized he is what some would call a Spirited child, meaning everything is more intense including emotions. That’s the thing now that I know this information and I have read all about how to deal with it. I get even more confused.

Some mothers make it look so easy! And here I am 39 years old today and I feel like I am so out of control and insecure about my parenting these two innocent kids. Its just so overwhelming. Not to mention, others are watching. I think that also puts a lot of pressure on me knowing that others are watching and judging. Maybe if I were in my own culture I wouldn’t care because of course I would know what they were thinking, But here, I don’t understand the culture well enough to be confident. I know, I know, who care what others think. I shouldn’t but on days where I feel so low and such a terrible mother like today, for some reason I do.

And I have no idea how to make myself feel better. I have read and heard about all the way to reinstate you power, self control or whatever its titled, but I can not reach that part of my brain. I feel like I can see this information high up on a shelf but even standing on my tippy toes I can not reach it.  I can always grab a stool to stand on and reach it, but there is no stool and I just have my own self and strength to rely on and try to get this information. Yet, the harder I try the further away this information is pushed back on this shelf in my brain. All I can do is watch my world around me, particularly my kids whirl around me and there is nothing I can do. And all the good mothers and fathers just stand by watching me fail and laughing inside.

I just hope that by the end of the day on my 39^th birthday, I wont feel so much like a terrible mother whose kids are so out of control and everyone is watching me thinking, wow, she is a mess.