Lost mother

It has been almost a week since I last reported in on my motherhood journey: documenting my trials and tribulations on the search to find out what kind of mother I am being for my kids. I have to say, I am still so insecure after Baby Daddy's meltdown about my son's behavior. He said some really strong statements questioning my parenting skills. The more I think about it, the more insecure I get about being a good mother. I constantly feel like I am not living up to his standard as a mother. And normally i wouldn't care, but they are his kids too. So when your better half says you are a not-so-good mother of course you question yourself.

And that is all I have been doing lately. Every decision I make concerning the kids is micro-analyzed over and over in my head. I carefully think out every consequence and approach every possible scenario for my decision. Its so tiring. I just wish I had more self confidence so I could just make a decision and know in my heart it was the right one. And that is what he took away from me, the ability to feel in my heart what is right. Now I have to think about it, second guess it and beat it to death before I know a decision is right in my heart. This is what insecurity does to a mother. I am so tired, I am so scared but I have to keep going and try to figure out who I am as a mother. And try not to screw my kids up too much along the way!

I also need to find some support somewhere, whether it's in my community, with strangers or reach out to those I know. It is just difficult because I am in a culture that is not my own and people think my ways are often strange. There aren't too many red-neck southerners I can share my journey with in Amsterdam.

So today, I am feeling like a lost mother. Especially with the holidays coming up and the Dutch holidays, I am lost. I want my kids to know both cultures but its hard. It will take lots of energy to get through the next month, but of course I will do what I can. Maybe that won't be enough, I don't know. I do know that I will try to teach my kids as much as I can and try to create traditions for my kids to carry-on with their families.

I am also lost because like I said earlier, I do not trust my gut anymore. I think this is the worst thing that can happen to a mother. I want to be able to trust it again and not have to worry about stupid things. I feel like I am Bambi walking through the woods looking for my mother. Yes, my mother, that's a great idea! But she is so far away, and the only way I can learn is by seeing her example with the kids. She did tell me about an amazing book that I am reading that has really helped with my son's recent shift in behavior. But I wish she were here to keep them for the weekend so I could get away, without feeling guilty leaving them with someone here.

In the meantime, I will keep analyzing my every decision and constantly question my parenting skills. And hope that one day soon I can somehow find a way to feel a bit more self-confident. I thought about maybe setting a goal of exercising, but since I have had a cold for 2.5 months, not sure this is a good idea right now. I will try to seek other ways to gain confidence. Maybe this week I will try to do at least one thing for myself that will make me feel good. Not sure what this is, but I hope it reveals itself to me soon, in between Sinterklaas, moving again, work stress and all the holiday activities. Somewhere along the way there has to be an oasis!

Recovering mother

13 November 2013,

Well its been two days since I was at the bottom of the motherhood pit. Thank goodness by the end o fthe day, the kids began to calm down, the tears were less frequent and I actually ended up having the best birthday ever. I decided to really concentrate on what I learned in the book I was reading called "Raising the Spirited child". And it started working.

On our way back from a walk in the forest my son began to have a melt down because he dropped his rocks that he had collected on the hike. Even though my head felt like it was full of bees and I couldn't focus all thanks to the sleep deprevation, I somehow managed to focus. I somehow pulled a tactic that I had learned from the book out of my butt because even i fyou had told me what to do, I was too low and too tired to do it. But it came to me out of the blue and it worked.

The tears were all dried up and I was on my way to having a better day. and one by one I started to remember the lessons learned and I was able to gain more control not only on myself but also the kids. It ended up being so much fun and I enjoyed myself.

Looking back, I cant believe how low I was feeling just hours before. It surprised me how just one positive reaction ended up turning around the entire day. I became more relaxed and the kids became more relaxed. I never knew how much my stress and energy effected them, especially my newly labeled "spirited" son. I have to start taking better care of my own well being, God its so hard to do that. I'm suppose to suffer, I a ma mother! No, you have to take care of yourself so your kids are happy and you won't feel like a terrible mother anymore!

Today, two days later, I feel like a recovering mother. I am recovering from fallin into the pit of self doubt and hopelessness. I just want to rest and take it easy but I know that in order to keep the ball rolling I have to keep on with my quest. There is no resting now. I have to keep educating myself and writing a list to remind myself what I need to do to become a better mother.

But right now, I have to take a rest! I have to do it for my kids! Hope it works again!

Terrible Birthday Mother

November 11, 1973

Today I would categorize myself as a terrible mother. It began as soon as the sun came up, the crying and whining from two very tired children we are away for the weekend for my 39^th birthday and the kids are still tired from the day before. I was hoping by sleeping with them in the same room would prevent them from waking in the night and running into my room, thus keeping the no-sleep cycle going. No such luck.

So as we sat down for breakfast the tearing were rolling and I was already wishing the day would be over. These times I feel so powerless and my head begins to cloud over. Its like the synapsis don’t connect in my brain and I can not think clearly. Its like I am driving at high speeds on the highway and its pouring rain. I cant see where to go and I lose control of my sense of what to do. I don’t think I was ever like this befpre. When the kids were younger it was so much easier. All it took was aNo and a threat to sit in Time Out. But these times have changed, especially with my son. I just realized he is what some would call a Spirited child, meaning everything is more intense including emotions. That’s the thing now that I know this information and I have read all about how to deal with it. I get even more confused.

Some mothers make it look so easy! And here I am 39 years old today and I feel like I am so out of control and insecure about my parenting these two innocent kids. Its just so overwhelming. Not to mention, others are watching. I think that also puts a lot of pressure on me knowing that others are watching and judging. Maybe if I were in my own culture I wouldn’t care because of course I would know what they were thinking, But here, I don’t understand the culture well enough to be confident. I know, I know, who care what others think. I shouldn’t but on days where I feel so low and such a terrible mother like today, for some reason I do.

And I have no idea how to make myself feel better. I have read and heard about all the way to reinstate you power, self control or whatever its titled, but I can not reach that part of my brain. I feel like I can see this information high up on a shelf but even standing on my tippy toes I can not reach it.  I can always grab a stool to stand on and reach it, but there is no stool and I just have my own self and strength to rely on and try to get this information. Yet, the harder I try the further away this information is pushed back on this shelf in my brain. All I can do is watch my world around me, particularly my kids whirl around me and there is nothing I can do. And all the good mothers and fathers just stand by watching me fail and laughing inside.

I just hope that by the end of the day on my 39^th birthday, I wont feel so much like a terrible mother whose kids are so out of control and everyone is watching me thinking, wow, she is a mess.