Lost mother

It has been almost a week since I last reported in on my motherhood journey: documenting my trials and tribulations on the search to find out what kind of mother I am being for my kids. I have to say, I am still so insecure after Baby Daddy's meltdown about my son's behavior. He said some really strong statements questioning my parenting skills. The more I think about it, the more insecure I get about being a good mother. I constantly feel like I am not living up to his standard as a mother. And normally i wouldn't care, but they are his kids too. So when your better half says you are a not-so-good mother of course you question yourself.

And that is all I have been doing lately. Every decision I make concerning the kids is micro-analyzed over and over in my head. I carefully think out every consequence and approach every possible scenario for my decision. Its so tiring. I just wish I had more self confidence so I could just make a decision and know in my heart it was the right one. And that is what he took away from me, the ability to feel in my heart what is right. Now I have to think about it, second guess it and beat it to death before I know a decision is right in my heart. This is what insecurity does to a mother. I am so tired, I am so scared but I have to keep going and try to figure out who I am as a mother. And try not to screw my kids up too much along the way!

I also need to find some support somewhere, whether it's in my community, with strangers or reach out to those I know. It is just difficult because I am in a culture that is not my own and people think my ways are often strange. There aren't too many red-neck southerners I can share my journey with in Amsterdam.

So today, I am feeling like a lost mother. Especially with the holidays coming up and the Dutch holidays, I am lost. I want my kids to know both cultures but its hard. It will take lots of energy to get through the next month, but of course I will do what I can. Maybe that won't be enough, I don't know. I do know that I will try to teach my kids as much as I can and try to create traditions for my kids to carry-on with their families.

I am also lost because like I said earlier, I do not trust my gut anymore. I think this is the worst thing that can happen to a mother. I want to be able to trust it again and not have to worry about stupid things. I feel like I am Bambi walking through the woods looking for my mother. Yes, my mother, that's a great idea! But she is so far away, and the only way I can learn is by seeing her example with the kids. She did tell me about an amazing book that I am reading that has really helped with my son's recent shift in behavior. But I wish she were here to keep them for the weekend so I could get away, without feeling guilty leaving them with someone here.

In the meantime, I will keep analyzing my every decision and constantly question my parenting skills. And hope that one day soon I can somehow find a way to feel a bit more self-confident. I thought about maybe setting a goal of exercising, but since I have had a cold for 2.5 months, not sure this is a good idea right now. I will try to seek other ways to gain confidence. Maybe this week I will try to do at least one thing for myself that will make me feel good. Not sure what this is, but I hope it reveals itself to me soon, in between Sinterklaas, moving again, work stress and all the holiday activities. Somewhere along the way there has to be an oasis!